lost.

a couple friends & i were discussing why we came to india

& what we've learned since we've been here

while we laid on surfboards waiting for a set yesterday.

and while we were talking

i realized how much i dislike the phrase

finding yourself.

i don't know why i wanted to come to india.

i didn't know much at all about the country before getting off the plane. one of the main reasons i ended up here is because traveling to india is relatively cheap. and i knew i wanted to go somewhere.

i moved from connecticut to salt lake city when i was fifteen. eight months later i moved to atlanta, and then to hawaii a year after that.

& i've loved it.

i love having best friends scattered across the country. i love feeling home in so many different places.

and i really love change.

i came to india because i wanted change.

i got it.

and it's been hard.

and i admit, i left hoping i would "find myself,"

that ambiguous, inevitable symptom of travel.

i've learned,

i'm never going to find myself.

because i'm not lost.

i have to create myself.

it takes work

but i'm the only one who can do it.

& it doesn't matter one bit where the construction takes place.

new places

aren't the secret to becoming the person who i want to be.

i can be a happy girl at home

or halfway across the world.

& sometimes it takes more courage to stay right where you are.

i still want to see the world. now more than ever.

because i want to eat macroons in paris

& hike denali

& play in the ecuadorian jungle

& surf in australia.

and india has been incredibly good to me.

she's given me wonderful friends.

she's let me sail in the ocean

& dance with the tribes

& make friends with fishermen.

india taught me to play cricket,

to haggle cab drivers,

to cook chapatti,

& to breathe like a yogi.

but i haven't found myself in india.

& it's exciting knowing,

i don't exist yet to be found.

india has simply helped me become a little bit closer

to the person who i want to be.