Monday, June 25, 2012

the rain can't get you wet.

This past week in Hawaii has brought nothing but gray skies and rain! I've been missing my sunshine.

I've been feeling a little bit gloomy lately. I really am the most weather affected person I know (Chase can attest to this; I always ask if it's sunny out when he tries to wake me up, and he knows to lie and say yes if he actually wants me to get out of bed), so I partly blame the weather gods. But tanning weather or not, I have been feeling so lost these past couple months.

I graduated from BYU-Hawaii in political science this April, and since then I have been bussing tables at a nearby restaurant while Chase completes his last couple classes. At work I clear and set tables, fill ice bins, refill drinks, and so on. It's not torture but it doesn't feel very purposeful either. I plan on sticking with it because we are leaving the Island soon and it actually pays pretty well, but it's made me terribly aware that I don't actually know what I want to do. 

I am only 20 years old (21 in August!) but I feel lost.

And I didn't think I'd say it so soon, but I miss being a student. 
I miss the expectation to grow.
I miss being made to wrap my head around foreign concepts. I miss writing papers and taking tests and just plain going to class. I miss all of the things that I was so happy to abandon; because after 15 years in school, it is so boring not learning anything.

 I love writing, drawing, painting, cooking, photography, nutrition and a dozen other things, but I don't have a singular passion. I want to pour myself into something completely, but I'm clueless as to what. Part of me wants to go back to school, but even then I don't know what I'd study. And then I think, it's pointless to pay for more schooling when you're going to be a mom and likely not make any money. 

I'm tempted to see a fortune teller, since no one who knows me can tell me what to do. (Or maybe my path is to become one. . . I did have a lucrative palm reading business going in my middle school cafeteria until I got shut down.)


Laura said...

Grad school??

girluntitled said...

i second laura's comment; sometimes grad school is the cure to all ails! coming from someone who went to school for almost 6 years (yikes) that stagnant feeling eventually fades...i love working and can't even imagine taking another test in my life...

...although some days i long for another art history class! ha ha

Sarah Jensen said...

Ames, I went through the exact same thing when I moved to New York. I was in a new, exciting place, and I had a job that was actually related to my degree (albeit not the job I wanted), and I still really struggled with finding a sense of purpose. That transition out of school is really difficult--it's what you do for pretty much your whole life, and then, poof! It's over. The structure of someone else telling you what to study etc. all the time is annoying but surprisingly nice too. It just takes time to adjust, and it will also take either finding a job that is actually mildly challenging, or having a baby. :) And becoming a mother comes with its own sense-of-purpose challenges, both good and bad. Love you! Call me if you want to talk sometime.

liz said...

I'm not a womans equality advocate in any way, but never think that being a mother will prevent you from working. My mom had to work when my dad died at a young age and her furthered education made it so much easier for her to put food on the table (and pay rent, pay for piano lessons, vacations, etc)

Lisa Fly Rondo said...

hey amy! i feel the exact way! working "get by" jobs can make you feel helpless. and youre only 20, im 24 haha so it just is life. i was in college for 6 years and am SO STOKED to be done. i know what ya mean though, missing learning. i say just roll with life right now and do what you need to to support chase, and when the time is right you will know the path to take. whether its a legit job, a mom, or more schooling. def dont go to grad school unless you know what you wanna study and become and how to manage it while being a mother. for now find things to keep you busy, develop the talents you do have, and enjoy this time of "weirdness" to develop your best self before the next step. that's what im doing! one day at a time :)

Lisa Fly Rondo said...

ps one more thing. you sound like me. i like to call it a jack of all trades. into a ton of things and like it all, but dont excel or aren't overly passionate about one. that can make it difficult to find a career path that you feel sure about. but to me im trying to look at it positively thinking that you never know and may be surprised by the path you decide to take, and it may be something totally unexpected that you love! so just keep your mind open!

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Lori said...

pray and enjoy being married without kids, haha, take the time and get to really know each other and take your time finding what you want to do in life, don't feel lost you have many talents, which I can see, write a book, think of new adventures, challenge yourself, bc the best thing you can do on this earth is to become a mother! ;) time will tell my friend, great meeting you in CA, I grew up with Chase family! Congrats!
Lori Cleveland-Gray ;)