almost to the coast.

"On soft spring nights I'll stand in the yard under the stars - Something good will come out of all things yet - And it will be golden and eternal just like that - There's no need to say another word."

-Big Sur, Jack Kerouac

Sometimes I think I had things better figured out at 14 than I do now (though I'm certain I have a dozen family members who will assure you that's just not true). In either case, I'm delving back into my roots of Kerouac, Thoreau and, ahem, Incubus. Driving through Big Sur in September brought Kerouac's novel, named for the stunning coastline, to my mind. His writing is so organic, so alive. If you've never read On the Road, pick it up and experience my adolescent handbook (read: my personal Twilight).

We camped at Half Moon Bay on our way out of San Francisco, and our night went eerily well. We pulled up to our campsite, set up our tent and were roasting marshmallows within less than ten minutes. We slept like babies, woke up to a beautiful sunrise and some cookies saved from Tartine Bakery for breakfast, and began the drive down the coast. 

And it was gorgeous. All of it. Miles and winding miles of cliffs and blue ocean and sky.

To once again borrow the words of Jack Kerouac, I felt

"Happy. Just in my swim shorts, barefooted, wild-haired, in the red fire dark, singing, swigging wine, spitting, jumping, running--that's the way to live. All alone and free in the soft sands of the beach by the sigh of the sea out there."

I am landlocked in Utah and feeling homesick for the sea (I guess that's seasick for you). I've never craved salt water and salty skin as badly as I do now. 

I could write a book of love letters to the ocean.

let the century pass me by.

We left Hawaii at the beginning of the month for good. And we haven't spent much time being sad. Instead, we've been celebrating the upsides of leaving, like affordable groceries ($2.99 gallons of milk v. $9.99), seeing family, driving cars that pass safety inspection, and finally being able to buy "nice" things because we won't have to leave them behind when we move. We even ordered a Vitamix and had it shipped to Utah as a welcoming gift to ourselves.

But the other night before falling asleep, I thought about the small space we left behind, and for the first time I felt sad. Real honest sadness. Chase and I laid on our backs in the dark and took turns remembering out loud. I cried, thinking about the one-room apartment that we took over with our singing and our meals and our fights and our laughter; our pictures, homemade shelves and thrift store finds. I cried because the day we moved out, our apartment was a bare white box full of none of those things, and I wish I had taken more time to remember everything before it was emptied.

I can't find the right words to explain what I felt. But I mourned for my memory. For its patchiness. Because the things I remember will never be whole. My memory of our first home will never contain the myriad of emotions that I experienced there. I can't justly recreate it in my mind. I am three weeks out, and already I forget the color of our carpet and the contents of our fridge. 

And that's okay. I can't freeze time, and i'm coming to terms with that (although if I could, now wouldn't be a bad time to do it).

But sometimes, I think, it's okay to be sad for the places and people you've left behind.

let the wind take my body away.

Finally got some photos developed from our Maui trip in March.

I've never seen so many waterfalls in my life. Or eaten so many Krispy Kreme donuts in one weekend. 

Being married really is the sweetest thing. Having your best friend at your side all day everyday. Always having someone to laugh with and tell your secrets to. To split meals with. Someone to wink at you across the room. Never having to go home and be apart, because your home is their home.

Everything is just better with Chase.

the rain can't get you wet.

This past week in Hawaii has brought nothing but gray skies and rain! I've been missing my sunshine.

I've been feeling a little bit gloomy lately. I really am the most weather affected person I know (Chase can attest to this; I always ask if it's sunny out when he tries to wake me up, and he knows to lie and say yes if he actually wants me to get out of bed), so I partly blame the weather gods. But tanning weather or not, I have been feeling so lost these past couple months.

I graduated from BYU-Hawaii in political science this April, and since then I have been bussing tables at a nearby restaurant while Chase completes his last couple classes. At work I clear and set tables, fill ice bins, refill drinks, and so on. It's not torture but it doesn't feel very purposeful either. I plan on sticking with it because we are leaving the Island soon and it actually pays pretty well, but it's made me terribly aware that I don't actually know what I want to do. 

I am only 20 years old (21 in August!) but I feel lost.

And I didn't think I'd say it so soon, but I miss being a student. 
I miss the expectation to grow.
I miss being made to wrap my head around foreign concepts. I miss writing papers and taking tests and just plain going to class. I miss all of the things that I was so happy to abandon; because after 15 years in school, it is so boring not learning anything.

 I love writing, drawing, painting, cooking, photography, nutrition and a dozen other things, but I don't have a singular passion. I want to pour myself into something completely, but I'm clueless as to what. Part of me wants to go back to school, but even then I don't know what I'd study. And then I think, it's pointless to pay for more schooling when you're going to be a mom and likely not make any money. 

I'm tempted to see a fortune teller, since no one who knows me can tell me what to do. (Or maybe my path is to become one. . . I did have a lucrative palm reading business going in my middle school cafeteria until I got shut down.)

now our lives are changing fast.

Bucketfuls of good things have happened since I've last written anything. Bucketfuls.

Chase and I took a weekend vacation in Maui. Camped in the most absurd wind I've ever encountered, drove the Road to Hana, saw tons of waterfalls, went to the top of the real high crater, ate our weight in gelato, resort hopped and got sleeping in a Mazda3 down to a science. This trip also marked the beginning of our love affair with card games, which has only picked up since returning.

I graduated from college, and Chase . . . almost did. We walked at the commencement ceremony together, but he's not official 'til he passes Physics and Life Saving this summer (and then takes Abstract Algebra . . . the kid is going on 14 semesters). I spent the entire ceremony scanning the program for ridiculously long hawaiian names and crossing my fingers that the announcer would screw up their pronunciation, since entertainment was so scarce. Literally, one graduate's last name was "Leimamoia'umeheiponolo'ikamakaokeao." oh, and another graduate was named Risky? Just Risky. No middle name, no last name, just Risky. Sure, fine.

We also sold our beloved beater truck. Honestly, we'd been wanting to sell the thing for months, but I'm just so damn lazy. I can go far enough to make a Craigslist posting, but when I have to start returning calls and responding to emails, I absolutely fail. I was fine with making casual progress on selling it until our neighbors borrowed it and came home telling us that it slipped into reverse and the accelerator jammed, causing it to suddenly speed 4o mph backwards with no foot on the gas pedal. So, no more rusty F250 with the obscenely ripped driver's seat, boasting fuel mileage of up to 8 miles per gallon and teeming full of sweet memories. It was a bittersweet sell.

But we replaced it with a, erm, minivan? I guess all sense of style goes out the window when you get married, because we're both smitten with the thing. It's a '99 Toyota Sienna, with a tape deck, a/c and drink holders. Needless to say, we are very much pleased with our purchase. We bought it on Monday, and today the seller texted me asking that we wipe his phone number off the back windows because he kept getting calls from interested buyers. Again, we are so lazy! Inexcusable.

Chase's parents and sister (and husband and sweet baby girl) came out for graduation and stayed to play for a week. It was so rad. We grilled, spent a couple days beaching it in town and Kailua, watched baby Aspen start walking for real, and ate wayyyy too much good food.

And i started a new job, as a "Serving Assistant" at a restaurant called Ola, at Turtle Bay Resort. A.k.a., i'm a busser!!! Yaya. I was overwhelmed by the pride on my old Humanities teacher's face when he came in to eat and saw me putting my political science degree to good use as I filled his water glass. Joking aside, I love my job. It's a beautiful restaurant right on the beach, with no walls (it's all open) and tables on the sand. We serve seriously good food right up my alley -- food of the sea. Ahi poke, a different fresh fish every day, shrimp the size of my fist, scallops. . . it's a dream.

The only real sad thing that's happened lately is that Chase and I both lost our best friends to the mainland! My Maggie Eliza unexpectedly headed home to St. Louis for the summer last week, and Chase's best friend Skee took off for California after graduating. We miss 'em, bad.

Lotsa changes lately. But, we're still young, in love, and incredibly blessed. Or lucky. Or both.

That hasn't changed. 

love will die without a home.

cinderblock walls, blue carpet, and popcorn ceiling:

the trifecta of good design.

we're spoiled-- we got a corner unit in married student housing, which means we get an extra window and an extra foot or two in width. cha-ching. sure, we still live in one giant room; pretty sure chase could jump from our front step onto the bed (long legs), and we have to crack every window when the oven's on to prevent passing out. but it's home. we've got a walk-through closet (different than a walk-in, but sounds spacious on paper) leading to a little bathroom with zero storage and a small mirror that we're constantly shoving each other in front of so we can check ourselves out (so vain, us carlstons).

we also reap the benefits of living in a community of college-aged married couples, including the temptation to kidnap any one of an unlimited number of unattended children, left free to roam the parking lot, climb on top of cars, get stuck in trees and chat it up with strangers. we are also frequently the recipients of neighbor's baked goods, another perk of TVA living.

it's fun making our home a home together, doing things like thrifting, sewing curtains and building wooden shelves. chase even built a surf rack and screwed it into the wall, despite the strict no-holes-in-the-wall policy-- oops. i guess we're gonna have some patching to do before we leave.

i just love coming home to a warm, clean home.

especially to snuggle with this boy.

vegan march.

chase & i declared this month vegan march. beginning last thursday, we cut out milk, eggs, cheese & ICE CREAM from our diets . . .we already don't eat meat (or i don't, so chase is pescatarian by default), and we will still be eating seafood during march. i just can't feel bad for dying marine life! and shrimp & poke are on my top 5 tastiest foods ever created list.

anywho, vegan march is posted on the fridge, so you know it's official. along with my other goals for the month, like wear my retainer & learn how to cross-step on a long board. yes, i PROMISE, i go to school, and yes, i PROMISE, i have a job, but compared to mr. school president who's taking physics, 2 chemistry classes, & trying to prepare for the DAT, my schedule's pretty wide open. taking 8 credits is pretty much the best thing i've ever done, & i wish i had done it my entire university career, so that i had more time to focus on goals more important than receiving a college degree, like keeping my skin bronzed.

i've played around with eating vegan before, primarily for health benefits after reading books like eating animals by jonathan safran foer, in defense of food by michael pollack, and the food revolution by john robbins. i'm a believer. i also keep flax & chia seeds in the fridge, snack on goji berries, & try to remember to take my fish oil in the mornings. i figure these are all necessary health precautions when you consume as much ice cream as i do each week and have hopes of living past 35.

saturday was only day 3, but already the universe was conspiring against us. we spent the day in town with our friends taylor & anna, and chase & i paced around in circles muttering inspiring phrases about willpower as our friends walked from honolulu cookie company (sample paradise) straight into yogurtland (sample wonderland) and we stayed outside. i then spent the afternoon dodging sample booths in costco, after turning down the cookie corner employee offering complimentary cookies on the waikiki strip.

cookie corner giving out cookies? for free? unheard of. seriously, someone alerted the big guy & now he's having fun testing us. still, we're now on day 5 and we're sticking to our guns. it's incredible how two people with extremely weak willpower can join together & turn into a couple of cookie-dodging superheroes. i guess that's the miracle of marriage for ya.

***THIS JUST IN: the malasada truck, full of deep-fried, cream-filled, piping hot dough deliciousness is now parked in the laie shopping center after a good year hiatus? this is a joke. welcome to vegan march. the world's out to get me.

ringing like a bell.

our marriage day was so much fun.

chase's friend from san clemente, elise capener, took our wedding photos for us,

& they came out beautifully.

we were married december 28 in the salt lake temple,

surrounded by family & friends.

i wept like a baby, of course.

chase did too--of course.

it was perfect.

don't wanna work in a building downtown.

we've been eating some good food around these parts lately. i told chase we're getting ethnic this week, so we stocked up on seaweed for making sushi, & fish sauce, chili paste, rice noodles & all those yummy thai spices. we also got a bunch of plums at costco yesterday (after passing by the salted caramels samples probably six times).

this semester has been so rad, largely because i'm only taking 8 credits. and, for the first time in my life i have my own kitchen & my own fridge.

(i couldn't count the number of times mag & i opened the fridge last semester and yelled, we have a shelf system people! come on! and removed a mug of blue goop supposed to cure acne from our respective chilled territories.)

anyways, cooking in your own home is a joy.

but it's my last semester. so somedays i worry about graduating in two months, & trying to find my place in that big scary real world out there.

all i wanna do is cook & feed my loves,

lay in the sun & surf,

& paint pictures

all day long.

if i could make a job outta that, shoot-- i'd be good at it.

lighting bolts a glowin'

i woke up today feeling like it should be my birthday.

so, i started acting like it was, & chase followed suit.

i woke up,

made a smoothie,

drove to castles with freezing inner thighs

surfed & laid on the beach until it started pouring

and came home to a clean house & a sweet note (chase's doing).

i jokingly declared that today, i'm doin' me (been listening to too much drake lately)

so chase insisted on doing the dishes & rubbing my back,

since today is my day.

then we had a perfect lunch

{shrimp, avocado & pineapple salad}

(seriously make this: cut up shrimp & mix it with pineapple, lime juice, red onion, salt & pepper. we fried up some chips to scoop it up with. soooo yummy.)

from now on, i'm just gonna start treating every day like my birthday.

although chase just called to tell me he got a perfect score on his physics test, so i guess tomorrow we celebrate him!